Batch 2 winner from Peru

My experience with bullying and a technology-related project idea to help address it

According to the American Psychological Association, bullying refers to: “persistent threatening and aggressive physical behavior or verbal abuse directed toward other people, especially those who are younger, smaller, weaker, or in some other situation of relative disadvantage”1. And the main types of bullying are physical, verbal, social, and cyberbullying2. Bullying is a concerning issue because of the short and long-term consequences it has on the bullied individual. Some of the consequences of bullying are the following: developing deep insecurities, low-self esteem, feelings of loneliness, depression, anxiety, self-harming behavior, substance abuse, violent or delinquent behavior, chronic pain, headaches, sleep disorders, gastrointestinal concerns, and palpitations3, among others. Furthermore, according to the UNESCO Institute for Statistics, approximately one-third of young teens have experienced bullying recently worldwide4. Therefore, bullying is not only an important matter because of its detrimental effects on individuals, but it also needs to be urgently addressed due to its prevalence. Technology can be used for that purpose because of the flexibility and accessibility it offers. I will explain further in this essay an idea about a specific way technology could be used for that purpose. 

To explain my experience with bullying, I suffered its verbal form, which according to the Australian National Centre Against Bullying, includes name-calling, insults, teasing, intimidation, discriminatory remarks, and overall verbal abuse (e.g., manipulation)2. And I suffered bullying from my father. It surprised me to know that what I was experiencing could be labeled as bullying since I used to associate bullying with an environment similar to a school. However, according to Dr. Jennifer Fraser, it is not rare for a parent to bully their child as a result of learning that way of behaving during their childhood if they experienced bullying as well by their parents, family members, coaches, teachers, or even peers5. My experience fits the definition of bullying, and indeed, my father had a really tough childhood, he suffered and observed a lot of verbal and physical violence. 

To explain it further, he usually bothers me without any reason. For instance, he asks me to do many things when he knows I am busy, or when he knows I am in a hurry he creates obstacles intentionally for me to be late (even if I have academic purposes like going to school). He has also locked me up on some occasions when he knew I had to go somewhere (even if it was for academic purposes) or when he knew I wanted to do something special (because it was my birthday) but he suddenly wanted me to do something else. 

Additionally, several times he insulted me and assigned me negative adjectives such as stupid, evil, monster, disgusting, mentally ill, wretch, and fake, among others. For example, one time I did not understand what he said and asked him about it, and he just called me stupid (which also happens when I do not agree with him); another day he told me I was evil, I was tired of hearing him say that and answered that he was the only person I knew that thought that about me, and he told me that it was because I created a fake identity, but (according to him) he knew the “truth”; one day he was angry because the door was stuck, and he assumed I was blocking it from the other side (which does not make sense because he is more robust than me), and when I managed to open it with my mom, he started hitting things, showing an intimidating body language, and yelling that I was a wretch and mentally ill (among other things). 

He talks badly about me with other people too, like my family. For instance, when I was 11 years old (or some years younger), he asked to have a family meeting to show his arguments of why I am evil and the “family poison”. His arguments and evidence included that when I was 5 years old I told him my brother was playing on the computer when he should have been doing his homework; and an old sketchbook he found that included some of the “pranks” I wanted to do, such as stepping in fresh concrete to leave my steps, and to put salt instead of sugar in a gummy bear and give it to a friend (an idea I saw in a youtube video about pranks). I was really scared of my brother and mom getting angry at me and thinking I am evil like he does, but they did not. They actually felt disappointed in him since when my brother and I were younger, he used to ask us to tell him if each of us did something bad to give us prizes (so my behavior at that age was understandable). Besides, they considered the pranks written in the book not evil at all. Moreover, he humiliated me in front of other people many times in my house or public spaces, by saying things out loud about my body or that I was disgusting because of something. 

Furthermore, he tried to manipulate me repeatedly by using silent treatment, coercion (e.g., threatening to stop paying for my studies, giving my dog to someone else or even making me leave the house), regression, and debasement, which are manipulation forms according to Charlie Huntington6. He also tried to make me feel guilty because of the things he suffered during his childhood; insulted and humiliated me, and then acted charming and even gentle as if nothing happened (and felt angry if I did not play along); and also tried to get me away of my close relatives like other family members (by asking me to treat them badly or by talking badly about them). In addition, he gaslighted (a psychological manipulation type) me by denying things he had said or done previously, saying that I am just confusing him, belittling my feelings, diverting, and using age stereotypes7. 

Finally, he used to intimidate me by changing his body language, getting too close, being verbally aggressive (e.g., screaming, insulting, and swearing), and as I mentioned threatening me. 

Experiencing those kinds of events deeply affected me during my childhood and adolescence. It was especially hard during my early adolescence because I started to question many things like my existence’s purpose, which made me feel stress and uncertainty; and my father’s actions increased the negative emotions I felt. For instance, I developed strong insecurities about being evil, stupid, undesirable, mentally ill, and fake; my self-esteem significantly decreased; I had suicidal ideation for some years; felt lonely and misunderstood; developed a deep need to please people; among others. It was hard for me to get better since I never talked to a mental health professional, and I was afraid of people telling me I was exaggerating if I expressed my feelings (because my father used to tell me that). For that reason, that unhealthy state prevailed in my life for years. 

However, when I was 15 years old, I started to learn about psychology, philosophy, and spirituality through online courses. I applied the knowledge I gained and started to feel better. I improved my relationship with myself by showing myself love, acceptance, and respect, and understood myself better through a compassionate approach. In turn, I started to understand my father better and develop a compassionate approach toward him as well. I learned that he had reasons (but not justifications) for his actions and that most of them could probably be rooted in his childhood (e.g., the lack of healthy self-regulatory methods he learned, and the deep suffering he experienced and did not overcome yet). 

But of course, I knew that I was not his “savior” (that actually took me some time to acknowledge), and although I could show him support, he would have to work towards feeling better by trying new things (even if scary) like talking to a mental health professional. But every time he started having meetings with a psychologist (because of someone else’s requests), he stopped assisting the meetings by saying that the psychologist was a “bad one”. I noticed he currently does not want to (or can not) change, and I accepted it. But I acknowledged that I did not deserve to be treated disrespectfully as well. Thus, since he refused to change his attitude toward me, I decided that it is necessary to keep a healthy distance from him. I established healthy limits and stopped acting like nothing happened whenever he hurt me. I need that and I have learned it is valid.

Through that process I discovered my passion too, since it was then when I applied the little knowledge about psychology I learned the most. That is how I noticed how intriguing it was for me to analyze myself and others. I developed healthier relationships as well and talked to my friends about their emotions and personal views. I noticed that understanding others’ unique personal views of the world is fascinating for me, since it is like traveling to a new world, totally different from mine, because everyone has a different interpretation of the world, and immersing in theirs is like visiting a new one. It is just incredible and intriguing. Talking about their deepest emotions and thoughts led to conversations about their fears, worries, and insecurities. Relying on my basic knowledge I tried to give advice and especially emotional support to them. Some of them told me that I really helped them, that I was really good at that, and that they found my opinions interesting. That feeling, when someone told me one of those things, was really strong and invaluable. It is hard to describe it, but it was warm and I felt really happy to know I was capable of helping others and myself with the new emotional tools I had. 

I learned more about psychology and mental health through different means. I always enjoyed analyzing myself through internet tests and such things, but when I learned how to understand and analyze people better to explore their own “worlds”, went through that huge process of personal growth, and learned that I could help others in their own processes, I became fully aware of my passion for psychology. Although I do not want to romanticize the unhealthy relationship with my father, I think that without those tough experiences and the following personal development I experienced, I would not have noticed my passion for psychology. 

Because of the process explained above, my self-esteem substantially increased and I overcame many of my insecurities. Now I feel significantly better and I do consider myself happy. But it is an ongoing process, and everything that happened still has an effect on me.

For example, sometimes I still find myself feeling afraid of people discovering the “horrible person” I am when I say “no”. But I am now aware of such things, and working on them (most of them already notably decreased). Additionally, I still live with him, so developing healthy coping methods and a valuable emotional support system has been especially helpful to cope with it until I leave the house (which will happen in August). 

Currently, I try to have the least possible contact with him, and when he is hurtful, I express my limits assertively. Moreover, when I feel stressed I know how to cope with it healthily. Basically, I did not really overcome bullying, but I learned to live with it the best I can. But I remember how lost and lonely I felt before I learned more about mental health and psychology. Because of that, every time I talk with my friends and they talk to me about similar situations, I try to support them as much as I can, let them know their emotions are valid, highlight that violence is not normal, and suggest healthy coping methods. I try to be the person I would have wanted to know when I was younger. 

On top of that, my dream is to create a project related to mental health and psychology. I had the idea some time ago and developed it mentally since then: Once I become a psychology graduate, I want to create a platform that offers an AI emotional companion that guides people in their processes to learn new valuable cognitive and emotional abilities. Although it would not replace specialists’ support, it would be valuable because it could not judge people, encouraging honesty by feeling safe; and it would be available permanently, making people feel safer in tough moments. It could also have game-like features, such as unlockable interactive stories that are aimed to teach important things such as the importance of developing healthy coping methods, and learning how to regulate our emotions. I wish I had that when I was younger, so I will create it for other people.

It would be further developed to create a tangible companion like an AI plushie as well, which would give more comfort (because for instance, it could be hugged) and would have the same features of the platform. I would like to donate some plushies to people who need them (e.g., people who suffer from anxiety disorders) and can not afford them to receive support alongside their therapy. 

I have that dream because I know some people feel they can not talk to anybody without being judged (especially if they are suffering from bullying) because I experienced it. At first, trying to open up is complicated and confusing. Hence, receiving permanent support from a “non-human” guide could be really useful. It would be easier to start with, it would guide people to understand and express themselves, stop normalizing unhealthy situations, among many others. Because of technology’s versatility and accessibility, it would be especially helpful to support the great number of individuals that suffer bullying, due to its commonness. 

It would support bullied individuals’ mental health and teach helpful skills that could contribute to stopping bullying (e.g., communicating one's emotions and needs to other people like a teacher or a responsible individual, and establishing healthy limits). But it would also contribute by lowering the emotionally detrimental effects of bullying on individuals, considering that sometimes bullying can not be overcome for a long time, and instead, support is needed to learn how to live with it the best way possible, like in my case. Furthermore, research suggests there is a significant positive connection between low self-esteem and bullying others8. Thus, this project would also contribute to preventing bullying by contributing to many individuals’ self-esteem increase and providing healthy coping methods (instead of bullying others). 

To summarize, I experienced bullying from my father, which caused me great distress but also lead me to discover my passion for psychology. I applied the basic psychological knowledge I gained to improve my situation and also to help others in their own processes. Additionally, I started to have a dream, which consists of developing an AI supporter offered in a platform (and subsequently, as a tangible companion) that would support bullied individuals’ to stop bullying, while also lowering the emotionally detrimental effects it has on them. Furthermore, it would contribute to preventing bullying by supporting potential bullies to develop healthy coping methods and increase their self-esteem (and overall well-being). Nonetheless, to develop this project, I first need to be a psychology graduate, and therefore, pay my university’s tuition fees, but I need your support to do that. Please, help me in my path of studying psychology and achieving my dream, and thank you so much for this opportunity. 

References:

  1. American Psychological Association. (n.d.). bullying. APA Dictionary of Psychology. Retrieved June 19, 2023, from https://dictionary.apa.org/bullying 
  2. Australian National Centre Against Bullying. (n.d.). Types of bullying. National Centre Against Bullying. Retrieved June 19, 2023, from https://www.ncab.org.au/bullying-advice/bullying-for-parents/types-of-bullying/
  3. National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine, Division of Behavioral and Social Sciences and Education, Health and Medicine Division, Board on Children, Youth, and Families, Committee on Law and Justice, Committee on the Biological and Psychosocial Effects of Peer Victimization: Lessons for Bullying Prevention, Rivara F., & Le Menestrel S. (2016). Consequences of Bullying Behavior. National Library of Medicine. Retrieved June 20, 2023, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK390414/
  4. UNESCO. (2023). New data reveal that one out of three teens is bullied worldwide. Retrieved June 20, 2023, from https://www.unesco.org/en/articles/new-data-reveal-one-out-three-teens-bullied-worldwide 
  5. Fraser J. (2022). Parents Bullying Their Own Kids. The Bullied Brain. Retrieved June 20, 2023, from https://bulliedbrain.com/parents-bullying-their-own-kids
  6. Huntington C. (n.d.). Manipulation: Definition, Examples, & Tactics. The Berkeley Well Being Institute. Retrieved June 20, 2023, from https://www.berkeleywellbeing.com/manipulation.html
  7. Huizen J. (2022). What is gaslighting? Medical News Today. Retrieved June 23, 2023, from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/gaslighting
  8. Ayoub R., Ben Salem N., Brahim T., Brigui N., Gaddour N. and Guedria A. (2021). The relationship between self-esteem and bullying behavior among adolescent in tunisia. Cambridge University Press. Retrieved June 30, 2023, from https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/european-psychiatry/article/relationship-between-selfesteem-and-bullying-behavior-among-adolescent-in-tunisia/669189DA63ED462EC9A986DBDC302D2F

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